Dinner with the folks
by Sniggyfrumps
Summary: Most people seem to agree that Chiro was horribly orphaned. But what if his parents were quite normal and quite not dead? What if they just wished they were? --- Crackfic? Why yes, yes it is.


**A/N: **My mind wandered and came home with this. It's not allowed to go out anymore. Also, no puppies were harmed during the making of this fic - beautybelle300256 saw to that.

* * *

**Dinner with the folks**

On the long mahogany dinner table with a pristine white tablecloth spread across it, fine silverware and expensive china (of the sort that only sees daylight for posh occasions like these) rested. In a delicate glass vase red tulips were neatly arranged to look as unarranged as possible, while the roast sizzled in the oven and the dessert was chilling in the fridge.

Shaky female hands resolute on occupying themselves with something - _anything_ - neurotically adjusted the positions of the serviettes down to the very nanometres of precision. The other occupant of the room sat in a red armchair, trying desperately not to swallow his pipe out of sheer knee-shaking anxiety.

The doorbell rang.

A hasty, tentative exchange of looks was made before the neatly clad couple was forced out of the dining room and approached the main hall… slowly turning the knob of the door… swallowing several lumps before opening to reveal…

"Hi mum and dad! Thanks for having the Monkey Team over for dinner!" Chiro said and grinned happily at his parents.

The couple made weird movements at their mouths – this from trying to smile politely and not squeak nervously at the same time.

Their teenage son and his monkey cyborg friends piled into the cosy hall. The black one walked to Chiro's father and nodded courteously. "Thank you for inviting us; we greatly appreciate your hospitality."

"It's our pleasure," Chiro's father replied; calmed by the civility of the black cyborg.

Then the green one shoved a box in his face and grinned deliriously. "I made ya somethin' somethin'. Don't mind the ticking, Gibson says he's sure it's stable. Just don't move around with it. At all."

"My, how nice," Chiro's mother smiled nervously and sidled along the wall, away from her now suddenly combustible-prone husband. "Would you please come for drinks in the lounge?"

All but Chiro's father walked away to do just that. He stood frozen with the package, not knowing whether to throw it away and make a run for it, or open it and get it all over with. The second option would most certainly involve extreme physical discomfort but the first option was… well, _rude_.

"Nice place ya got," Sprx conversed and poked at a porcelain dog on a shelf. They were in the lounge and were picking at their small fruity drinks with dippy umbrellas in them.

"Yeah, much nicer than the last one. Sorry about that, by the way – _somebody_ hadn't properly calibrated the Foot Crusher Cruiser engines." Nova shot a dirty look at the black-eyed trio who had all blamed each other for the unfortunate incident.

"Oh don't you worry about that. Excessive collateral damage – it could happen to anyone. I never liked that neighbourhood much anyway – the style of the verandas just didn't fit with what I was trying to do with my flower arrangements." Chiro's mother kept talking to keep from screaming instead.

"Good thing there weren't many bits left of them afterwards then," Sprx said cheerfully and immediately received a forceful shove from Nova that sent him flying across the room and crashing into a cupboard containing Chiro's mother's rare sea shell collection.

A small explosion was heard from the hallway.

"Dad! You okay?" Chiro bent over his smouldering parent who coughed up a puff of thick smoke in response.

"Gibson! I thought you said it was stable!" Nova scolded.

"According to my calculations, it should be able to withstand extreme variations in temperature, excessive tremors and—"

"What about exposing it to, oh I don't know – _oxygen_?"

"Oh really, nobody would be stupid enough to even be near this compound without… errr, Otto did you remember the suit for Chiro's father?"

"What suit?" Otto gargled; he was in the midst of choking on the piece of sugar-covered orange in his drink.

"The radiation suit."

"Everybody sit down for the main course!" the mother squealed frantically.

* * *

"And… how is our son doing in his… studies?" Chiro's father wheezed - still sore from the injection Gibson had stabbed in his arm - even though he had repeatedly guaranteed the blue scientist that he was sure radiation poisoning was covered by the Health Benefits from his menial office desk job.

"Chiro is very adept in learning tactics and continues to perfect his spiritual abilities," Antauri answered and pushed his plate over to Otto so the green monkey could plunder it for meat and gravy. Chiro smiled proudly at his mother, who returned the sentiment genuinely.

"And he hardly dislocates anything when I train with him anymore," Nova added and whacked Otto over the fingers with her fork when he tried to raid her plate as well.

The smile on the woman's face faded a bit. "That's… good to hear."

"Yeah! He's getting real good at bustin' formless too!" Otto exclaimed. "Which is nice, 'cause they keep getting' more 'n more aggressive. Yesterday they formed this huge squid-monster, see? And it electrocuted the Torso Tank 1 and we all thought for sure that we'd have to get Chiro to sick bay in a tiny plastic bag, but it turned out we only needed a def—defillli—defibrillator and a wheelchair. Then of course, TV Monster came along and had been fitted with this super-laser system targeting Chiro and—"

Otto stopped when he saw Sprx make ferocious cut-throat gestures across the table. At each end of the dinner table, Chiro's parents sat wide-eyed and completely petrified at the mechanic's recounting of the Hyperforce's violent adventures.

Gibson felt like taking a wild swig of his wine glass. "I am hereby revoking your speaking rights, Otto."

"What? _Again_?! No fair!"

"Fair," Sprx said firmly. "Go face the wall."

The green cyborg slithered off his chair and walked with head and tail hung low to the corner, feeling very unloved.

"It's okay, mum," Chiro said and patted the inanimate hand of his parent. "I healed really well thanks to the Power Primate, the scars only show when I'm wearing shorts and besides - I've had worse," Chiro grinned at his mother who was in no way comforted by her son's words. "Hey, is there dessert too?"

She fled to the kitchen.

Antauri cleared his throat and turned to the other terrified parent. "I realise Chiro's chosen path brings you a great deal of anxiety, but please rest assured that we intend to aid and protect your son in every way possible."

"Oh, well... It's a career, I guess..." the father mumbled hesitantly. "What concerned parent wouldn't want their son to be the one protector of the universe... fighting criminally insane lunatics... having near-death experiences on an hourly basis... being the sole nemesis of a sadistic zombie stalker bent on undoing all of creation..."

Antauri carefully observed the man whose eyes appeared to have glazed over.

"Would you like more wine?" the black monkey finally asked.

"Yes please. Fill it up. And again. Thank you."

Antauri made a mental note to send Chiro's parents a gift basket with whisky and sedatives before the Hyperforce decided to take off for their assault on Skeleton King's fortress.

* * *

It was two spontaneous combustions, three minor freak-outs and one glass of nerve medication later when Chiro waved good-bye with a "See you for Thanksgiving!" to his parents before returning to the Super Robot for the night.

The mother of the Chosen One still trembled lightly from when Sprx had insisted on using his magnetic abilities to lift the cutlery off the table and had instead impaled her to the ceiling. She comfortingly rubbed the arms of her near-catatonic husband who in turn hadn't quite gotten over Gibson's forty minute verbal diarrheal lecture on the appliance of advanced molecular physics to everyday scrap-booking.

The father looked on gloomily as the Monkey Team and the Chosen One disappeared out of the suburbs. "... why couldn't he have turned out to be gay instead...?"


End file.
